Monday, June 09, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
When life gives you lemons....
Lastnight I was chatting to the chickie mentioned above, she got offline at shortly after 9pm. She went offline and shortly there after, I'd say 4 or 5 minutes. I put the laptop down and worked on my plastic canvas while watching supernatural. I fed the baby at 10pm and headed on up to bed to watch a bit of TV in peace while both children were sleeping. I hear my phone ringing shortly after 11:30pm which is rare in my house so I run for the phone, pick it up and its another friend of ours in hysterics. I can't understand what he's going about, but none the less I pick out of a few things like....he's....pills...knife...dead...I'm like WTF. I finally got him to slow down and found out that the boyfriend mentioned above, decided to find a way to get the answers he wanted, how I'm unsure of yet but I'm sure I'll find out one day. THEN he decided that life was not worth living anymore. Wrote a suicide not, went to the bathroom and thats where the drs found him at 6am this morning. I wake up to a msn online message that reads.
"He decided that his daughter wasn't all that important I guess Sassy cause he ended it lastnight. Not sure how yet but there was a note so we know it was suicide. Buddy took his kids and moved out lastnight so I'm not sure what is going on, will let you know when I find out more"
So yesterday there was a big war between a few people yesterday because the boyfriend decided to tell a few of us that we were being called liars which hurt. This chickie and I have been friends for like 18 years and to think that there was a possibility that she didnt trust me or thought I was a liar killed me. When she explained that she wasn't accusing anyone but someone was lying I felt relieved. Then he told chickie that he couldn't talk to her anymore and logged off, I hadn't heard from him since and then this morning I wake up to find out he is gone.
I have mixed feelings about this. First off, I'm upset he's gone, he left behind a beautiful little girl who deserves a dad, he left behind his family, his friends and most of all an ex who's going to no doubt feel as guilty as hell. I also find myself angry about it, because it shows just how weak he was and also I want to know if he was lying this entire time, because if I find out he was and I was apart of it (but not because I wanted to be, hell I didnt even know anything was wonky) which means I was lied to and was a part of a lie without even knowing it. I'm not happy about this at all.
Part of the suicide note goes as follows
To all that me knows and loves
Guilt is funny, love is funny, sickness is funny. It all in the end, ends up fucked up. me leaves behind many friends and family and me loves each and everyone of them in their own way. Me just can't live with meself after all that has gone down in the last 2 weeks. Me has hurt many people, done some bad things, and been someone me is not. Me hopes that people can one day forgive me for what me has done. There is once certain person that me would like to say me is sorry to and me hopes that you goes on to has a happy life, me figures that if me erases meself totally out of yer life, you will soon know what me is talking about, then you will be able to move on with no memories of me other then a broken pocket. Thanks for everything you did. Please dont feel guilty, me did it to meself.
In that part of the note ~ I see the words GUILTY written all over it, and yesterday he had the fuckin gall to tell me I, ME SASSY was going to look like a damn fool. I got a little bent on chickie because I thought at first she called ME SASSY a liar. I'm down right fuckin pissed over this whole bloody thing. THEN to make the best of it. A friend of ours whom I shall call "B" feels guilty over this whole mess. Now he's not doing so well either and so help me fuckin jesus, if he "offs" himself because of guilt. I'm going to bring them all back from the dead to kill them my damn self. B feels guilty because he said if he had of kept his mouth shut, boyfriend wouldn't know nothing of proof being brought up against a liar and boyfriend would still be here. I'm pretty sure that chickie told boyfriend that she was digging up proof but I'm not entirely sure.
So in recap, I got offline around 9:20pm, give or take a few minutes. Was in bed by 10pm, by 6am this morning the world fell apart. So now, I must be a strong set of shoulders for whoever may need me. To the few of you that read the blog that are a part of this, I'm here for you if you need me, I'll do what I can. Love you all!
Rest in peace *boyfriend* I will one day meet up with you again!
Monday, May 12, 2008
So long since I've been here!
For starters, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on March 18th at 8:38am, he weighed 7 pounds 12 ounces and was 20 inches long. I know how have my 2 baby boys. I'm loving being a mommy of 2 but its a bit more tiring then a mommy of 1.
Next, as of right now my hubby and I not together. He's had enough of me I guess and said he needs a break so he is currently staying with friends of ours until we either work it out or leaves and goes back home to Newfoundland. We shall see what happens. I'm not even sure I want to work it out because I'm tired of getting shit all the time when I try and do what I can. Its never good enough. I know he has alot of stress being the only person bringing in the money and having to make sure that the kids are looked after but its not like its easy for me either. So I'll keep you updated on that.
My gramma went into the hospital on May 9th for a triple heart bypass and I got a call Friday afternoon saying she wasn't very good. I went up and seen her for half and hour then come home and totally lost my shit. I was inches away from the MH and a good friend of mine online talked some sense into because houstan I was aching for the white light. I'm happy to say that she's doing wonderful now and it looks as though she'll be coming home sometime this week. I'm not sure I like the thought of her coming home that fast because I mean she is 74 but I'll go and help her when I can.
Seems I have lost a few friends along the way of this as well. It really shouldn't be a big surprise to me however because they have their lives and me being a mom of 2 small children dont fit it with their ways now I guess. Ah well, I'm upset over it but nothing I can do about it. People choose their path in life and if I'm a stepping a stone and they do the step over me then so be it. I'm use to being a loser. Honestly being a loser is alot less heartbreaking.
So I'm ending for now, so until next time
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Making money at home ~ Is it impossible?
Well ~ I'm now 30 weeks and um.....4 days pregnant. So only about 9 1/2 weeks left to go until the baby comes. I'm glad because I really can't take much more. I am starting to ache in places I didnt know it was possible. I didnt have this much pain and stuff with Boo but mom said its cause I was enjoying first pregnancy too much. That very well could be, if that's the case, when we try one last time for a girl. Its going to be HELL!
Well that's all for now...
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Hello my friends ~ I'm alive :)
So yeah as I mentioned I am 26 weeks pregnant so I still have 14 weeks to go and I'm not thrilled with this at all. I'm so tired of being pregnant now its not funny. I did find out what we are having and I'm pleased to announce that I am adding yet another sausage to the family. Yep you got it, another boy. Soooooooo I have to think of a name to call him on here. I have nothing because I have pregnancy brain but for some reason Yogi keeps coming to mind. Crazy!! Ah well I'm sure I will think of something.
So Christmas is just a few days away and even though I'm not done shopping yet I'm excited for Christmas to get here. One reason is I'm just about fed up with Boo asking the question "how many more sleeps till santa mommy" Yeah it gets old pretty fast lol.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Fed up ~ oh yes!!!
Went to the drs today for my check up (I'll be 5 months along monday) and the dr is worried about my liver levels. I dunno what that is suppose to mean but I'm pretty sure its not good since he had a a look of horror on his face and sent me for blood work today and I have to go back again next week. So yeah I'm 100% sure it can't be good. I go for my ultrasound on Tuesday and I'm excited about that because there is a good chance I will find out what I am having. Everyone thinks I'm having a girl so we shall see. I even have a 20.00 bet with my OBGYN because he says girl and I say boy.
I feel like a personal kicking/punching bag for alot of my so called friends. I dont hear from them for awhile and then all of a sudden they call and unload all their problems and what not on me without so much as even asking how I am doing. I know friends are suppose to be there for each other and what not but are they there when I need them??? Not usually.
Anywho I'm off to start my to do list ~ Hope you all had a good Halloween!!!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
So today is one of them days that I would rather stick my head in a mound of sand then do anything else. I'm not exactly sure what is wrong with me today but I'm just off. I'm in that miserable, happy, confused, sad, just shoot me stage. One minute I'm laughing, next minute crying and for what reason I'm unsure. So I will just babble my way through the day and hope that tomorrow I wake up better.
Boo has become quite the "little man" he's now 3 1/2 and you would think that he was 18. He dont want help doing nothing anymore. He wants to bath himself, dress himself, brush his own teeth. For heaven sakes he tries to cook with me. He knows measurements and the names of spices and wahhhhhhhh he's growing up. Next year he'll be off to school and then watch out. I'm going to be lost. I'll have the new baby and whatnot but still, my little man is going off to school. Oh how my world is gonna end! I'll be one of them parents that cries more then my child and sits all day watching the school making sure he is ok.
I'm 18 weeks 3 days pregnant and only 151 days left to go. Only 151 days. That seems like a freakin eternity. According to my calculations which could be wrong I've been pregnant 133 days and it seems likes 433 days. I'm bouncing back and forth between c section and natural. I had to have a csection with Boo cause the stubborn shit was head down ready to roll and within the last month decided he was going to flip back and wrap the cord around his neck, not once but twice. So csection it was. He was scheduled on Tuesday March 23rd but had enough and wanted to visit the real world on Friday March 19th. So lucky ducky me got to experience labour right up until 9 cms before being sliced and diced. Then the drs tell me all the risks if I try and go natural but at the sametime tell me its perfectly ok. I have some weird ass nightmares about giving birth natural. Bah what to do?????
They have put hubby on this stupid fricken shift. He works a month of 6am till 6pm Monday till Thursday and then Friday he works 6am till 3:30pm. During the week he gets home at 6:30pm, eats, showers and is in bed by 7:30pm which makes Boo a very unco-operative little boy because he wants daddy who is sleeping. I understand he works hard and is tired but I think he could give Boo just 30 minutes and make him a happy child. A happy child equals a happy mommy. Anyways after the month of that stupid ass shift he works a month of nights which is Monday till Thursday 6pm till 6am and then Fridays he works from 3:30pm till 1am. Makes for a very unhappy household. He's tired and miserable all the time, which makes Boo and I miserable. Bah!
Christmas is just around the corner and I am so not ready this year. Normally I have atleast half my presents bought and in the closet waiting to be wrapped. This year I have 3 gifts and not a whole lot of time left to buy any. I dont know what I am going to do, call of Christmas this year? Sounds good at this point!
Anyways that's enough rambles for me for today. Hope everyone has a good one!!!